Worst Jokes Ever
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What is the difference between a boomerang and an orphan's dad?
The boomerang comes back.
What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.
What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is ten kids in one container; morbid humor is one kid in ten containers.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They don't have a closet to come out of.
What is the best game for a deaf person?
Charades.
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
What happened to the frog that partied illegally?
He got TOAD away!
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.
What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."
What is the definition of confusion?
Three blind lesbians in a fish market.
How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.
How do you know you broke into a gay man’s house?
They only have a back door.
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.
I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.