Worst Jokes Ever
What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?
A selfie.
What was the one test Stephen Hawking couldn't pass? The beep test.
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
What's a child abuser's favorite song?
"Just Beat It!"
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?
Their parents never say yes.
Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
Orphans only have 363 days because they don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Q: What was Hellen Keller's favorite game as a kid?
A: Musical chairs.
What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrrrrr!
What is a tuba plus tuba? -- Fourba.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why don't Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.