Worst Jokes Ever
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
I had a dream about the whole ocean being filled with orange soda.
Turns out it was a Fanta sea.
Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?
Throwing the cow across the lake.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.
I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a homepage.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?
Chromozoned.
Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.
They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.
What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?
A Twix.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
Why is rape worse than death?
Because dead people get way more attention.
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
I went to a park, then I kicked a ball at a kid in a wheelchair, then screamed "Rocket League!"