Worst Jokes Ever
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
I heard a joke about candy bars, but it wasn't very funny, so I just snickered.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
What do you call a midget with autism?
A weetard.
What do you call a lost Indian woman? Ms. Singh.
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."
Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.
How did the rich save the poor?
They didn't let them in the Titanic.
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"