This stuff is messed up, you people.
Worst Jokes Ever
What did Saturn say to Uranus? Hi.
How tall does the grass grow in Germany?
Zis high!
A redhead, a dark-haired woman, and a blonde walk into a bar and agree to fly to the sun!
The blonde states, "I agree, let's leave at night!"
What did the cat say to the jar of cookies?
"Ground beef!"
(pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....
HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"
......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........
..... ewwwwww!!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.
Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
She kept getting the metal detector out.
I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.
POV: You are a passenger on September 11th, 2001, and you see the pilots wearing a Muslim turban.
What do your BF and the Twin Towers have in common?
They both never get erect.
Bully: Ur momma so fat that the whales said we are family even though you are a little bigger than us.
Nerd: Yo momma so ugly that when she went in the bathtub, the water jumped out.
Silence...................punch!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink, but they wouldn’t listen, so he kept warning them. Then he was kicked out of the theater.
You're so skinny, you can hula-hoop with Fruit Loops!
Why are there no Jamaicans on the moon?
Because there's no space jam.
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.
I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
Last night I had the strangest dream!
I sailed away to China!
And I caught the coronavirus!
You said you needed to wash your hands!
Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!
And you said!!
Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!
Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!
Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!
Yo mama is so stupid that she studied for a COVID test.
What do you call a lesbian on a bike?
A dyke...