Tool jokes
Today my idiot brother screamed, "Ahhhhh, I'm dead!" But it wasn't really, so I decided to make it a reality until my sister came...
AND HELPED ME! - for once, but then two minutes later my mom showed up. We killed him right in front of her, and she screamed! "Donuts and pizza for you and more if you go to Mrs. Roberts' house and say hi and bye to Daddy!!!!!" And she hands us both a sharp tool, and I say, "What about Tommy??!!! Aren't you MAD!!!!!!!" Then she replied, "Who's THAT!!??? Coz he ain't mine. His name is Tommy, Tommy Roberts."
So then me and my sister visit Mrs. Roberts, and she said, "Oh, this isn't anything important. Go home!" So then my sister and I say hi! and do a countdown. After that my Nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL! đđđ But then the police question us where daddy was, so then Mom said....................... oh he's moved on! So then the police officer was like, "Ahem, ma'm where!" SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit eitherđ§ i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................
ok like for part twoâșâșâș
What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
What's the difference between an orphan's life and a knife?
A knife has a point.
What do you call a can opener that doesnât work?
A canât opener!
What did the screw say to the screw? We sure screwed things up!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Thumb nails.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Ball stretcher.
Whatâs a hairdresserâs favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
A fact! I think I'm officially a poo-buster, as the plunger does look like the weapon in "Ghostbusters"!
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.