What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
Tool Jokes
What's the difference between an orphan's life and a knife?
A knife has a point.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
What did the screw say to the screw? We sure screwed things up!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Thumb nails.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Ball stretcher.
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
A fact! I think I'm officially a poo-buster, as the plunger does look like the weapon in "Ghostbusters"!
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.
What is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler!