Tool jokes
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
A fact! I think I'm officially a poo-buster, as the plunger does look like the weapon in "Ghostbusters"!
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.
What is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler!
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.
They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.
I remember my grandfather's last words:
"Are you holding the ladder?"
Write 317537 on your calculator and turn it over to spell "Leslie."
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass?
An Investigator.
How does a cow do math?
With a cow-culator!
How do you fit a hundred babies into a small bucket?
With a blender.
What did the knife say to the other knife?
"Knife to meet you."
We have invented the spade! This is groundbreaking!
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"