Today jokes

"Yo mama's so fat, that I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing today!"

Hi, how are you today?

What is the difference between a human and a tree and a house? Is for dinner today after school today after I have school 🏫 I have for kids dinner 🍴 was that I had dinner 🍴 night night dinner 🍴 night is what time it when we went and get the dog 🐶 night and dinner 🍴 night I love 💕 it is the one ☝️ I did not have time today.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

"Today was the worst day ever." "Why?" Because my ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

I shouted "Jenga" in class today.

We were watching clips of 9/11.

During school today, a girl gave my friend her number. When I saw it, it was the principal's number.

Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.

Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.

I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today.

A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

"Creeper, aww man,"

"Today we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from side to side, side, side to side."

Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!

How long is it?

I saw a man today wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid."

I told him, "You know, that's not very nice."

He looked at me and said, "I'm with stupid, too."