Today jokes

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.

I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today.

A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

During school today, a girl gave my friend her number. When I saw it, it was the principal's number.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.

Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)

"Creeper, aww man,"

"Today we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from side to side, side, side to side."

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.

Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.

I shouted "Jenga" in class today.

We were watching clips of 9/11.

How long is it?

I saw a man today wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid."

I told him, "You know, that's not very nice."

He looked at me and said, "I'm with stupid, too."

Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!

It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.

What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.

I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.

Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.

A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!

What the fuck.

Now I've seen everything.

I did have a good time today, I did.