Today jokes

Hello, welcome to Joe’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I help you today?

Hi, how are you today?

"Yo mama's so fat, that I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing today!"

What is the difference between a human and a tree and a house? Is for dinner today after school today after I have school 🏫 I have for kids dinner 🍴 was that I had dinner 🍴 night night dinner 🍴 night is what time it when we went and get the dog 🐶 night and dinner 🍴 night I love 💕 it is the one ☝️ I did not have time today.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

"Today was the worst day ever." "Why?" Because my ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today.

A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.

Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.

During school today, a girl gave my friend her number. When I saw it, it was the principal's number.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.

I shouted "Jenga" in class today.

We were watching clips of 9/11.

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

"Creeper, aww man,"

"Today we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from side to side, side, side to side."