Today jokes
It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.
Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.
He was fired from his job.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.
I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today.
A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”
I said, “Well, which one are you then?”
Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.
He really shook things up today.
My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.
Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.
Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.
Period: Guess who’s back... back again...
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.
I shouted "Jenga" in class today.
We were watching clips of 9/11.
During school today, a girl gave my friend her number. When I saw it, it was the principal's number.
xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.
Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)
"Creeper, aww man,"
"Today we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from side to side, side, side to side."
Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.
I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.
Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.
I did have a good time today, I did.
I did a walk today, but it was good for Tyler. I was just trying to have a good time to sleep good. I got yyy night and a night.
A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!
What the fuck.
Now I've seen everything.
What is your car? What was your time today after I had dinner night and night sleep night? Is it a night for you and a dinner night? Night dinner night? Was the snow? I had dinner night night dinner.
Why is the sun red today?
The sun turned red today. Here's why. As an enormous Atlantic storm batters Ireland, a related phenomenon is turning heads further east over in the United Kingdom. ... Just like the way sunsets are sometimes red, excess particles in the atmosphere can change the color of the sun in the daytime.
My wife and I were at the park with our little princess today.
We decided to go back home, then some jerk had the nerve to shout, "Stop those two! They have my daughter!"