Today Jokes

UGHHHHHHH TODAY WAS TERRIBLE MY WIFE GOR HOT BY A BUS!!! AND I LOST MY JOB AS A BUS DRIVER!!

We were at a restaurant today and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch. I asked, "what do they raise there? Sea horses?"

Hi guys. I'm going to be out for 3 days. Also quote for the day and advice. Quote. (Made by me) Don't look back at tomorrow just look forward today. there are new thoughts, strength, and ideas.

Advice. Sometimes ppl have opions and those opions are probley what u don't like but don't bring negitvity on them just because of what there saying. If you chose you probley say (I don't understand that statement but it does sound good." This is not a drama site it a joking site.

P.S. No hating in these comments.

Sans: haha... Paps: what? Sans: i KNEW it was gonna rain today. Paps: that's nearly impossible, how? Sans: i could feel it in my bo- Paps: OH MY GOD STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, welcome to Joe’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I help you today?

YO MAMA'S SO FAT, that I took a picture of her which was last christmas, and it's still printing today

Hi how are you today

What is the difference between a human and a tree and a house is for dinner today after school today after I have school 🏫 I have for kids dinner 🍴 was that I had dinner 🍴 night night dinner 🍴 night is what time it when we went and get the dog 🐶 night and dinner 🍴 night I love 💕 it is the one ☝️ I did not have time today

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

"today was the word day ever","why", because my ex got his by a bus, and i lost my job as a bus driver".

It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.

Same old boring ass day, until a person Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention. He really shook things up today.

I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today. A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.” I said, “Well which one are you then?”

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today. Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.