Today jokes

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

Let's take a look at the Swedish bench for today's game. $12.99 from Ikea.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.

Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

I moved so much stone today.

I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.

Hi guys, so today I have not thought of a joke, and I'm not really sure what to do, so I thought I would do kinda a blog sort of thing, so hope you enjoy, and you don't have to read this!

So I woke up this morning and heard this weird noise, and it was my dad building me a new gymnastics bar so I can have uneven bars, which I am so excited about! And I am so glad that you guys have been nice and liking my jokes and stuff, but also, make sure to comment below if you want to tell me what kind of jokes you want and what you want me to do, and also, feel free to talk to me! Love y'all!!!

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Hey guys, today's funniest prank: is when I poured a bunch of red wine into the chicken salad...to be honest, it was a TON of wine I poured in there! My family could not tell the difference at all! Anyway, bye, that's the prankster! Next time or see you next time!

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."