Time jokes

I diddled for a total of 67 times. I am the ultra Gooner. My cum is everywhere. I am the goon master.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.

Five more days.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.

Man, your hairline is so bad it started from the beginning of the month to the end!

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!

On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?

Hey Siri, skip to Friday!

Time flies by, doesn’t it?

But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.

911 happened a while ago and it's slowly losing its fame.

Time for a remake!

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”

Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight, and 2021.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.