Time jokes
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
What's an emo's favorite time of year?
Fall.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?
A period.
Explain Bear teaches us that explaining the joke makes it a billion times funnier.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Your hairline goes so back that it’s ingrained in history.
Your hairline goes so far back that it has no records of it happening in history.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror?
Hey Siri, skip to Friday!
911 happened a while ago and it's slowly losing its fame.
Time for a remake!
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Time flies by, doesn’t it?
But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.