Time jokes

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

What is the shortest month of the year?

May, it only has 3 letters!

Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?

A period.

You ever try sexting with AI? Every time I type “I’m coming,” it replies, “Coming where? Need directions?”

My grandad and your hairline go way back.

If a mentally challenged person shows up late,

Is it ok to call him tardy?

Five more days.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!

How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?

They flip it over.

I added Paul Walker on Xbox...

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.

My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Time flies by, doesn’t it?

But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.