Time jokes

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?

They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Ur mom was so fat that even Jon Brower Minnoch was ten times less fat.

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Your hairline goes so far back even history can’t record it.

Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

Your hairline is so far back that even my dad wasn't fetching the milk back then.

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Joe mama's so fat, her belly button gets home an hour before she does.

Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.

Every time a midget runs on the grass, the grass tickles their balls.

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.