Time jokes
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Our Deaf Friend
Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"
Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father’s or Mother’s Day.
Why does an orphan's calendar only have 362 days? Because they don't celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
A black guy walks into a store to buy some watermelon and fried chicken. The cashier says, "That'll be $20." He pulls out his wallet, but it's empty. Suddenly, a bigger black guy bursts in, grabs him, and says, "Time to pay up, n***a!" Then he bends him over the counter and fucks him in the ass.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?
By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
Your mom's so fat, the photo from last Christmas is still printing!
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
A friend of mine told me this joke a long time ago and I have never forgotten it.
A worm was crawling over a train track, and a train ran over him and cut off his ass. The worm turned around to get the piece of his ass back and another train ran over him and cut off his head.
BAD IDEA and a lesson to us all.
NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS!! LMAO (literally, kind of)( pretty sure you get it)