Time jokes
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father’s or Mother’s Day.
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Our Deaf Friend
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?
Time to get in trouble!
Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.
Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
A black guy walks into a store to buy some watermelon and fried chicken. The cashier says, "That'll be $20." He pulls out his wallet, but it's empty. Suddenly, a bigger black guy bursts in, grabs him, and says, "Time to pay up, n***a!" Then he bends him over the counter and fucks him in the ass.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?
By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.
What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
Your mom's so fat, the photo from last Christmas is still printing!
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?