Time jokes
As a hobby, I started taking walks around the old clock tower.
It's a great way to pass the time.
I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.
But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇
There’s so many protests. Every time I see "my body, my choice," I can’t tell if we’re protesting the masks or trying to kill babies.
yes do not forget
People are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
A black n***a crashes a neighborhood barbecue, bragging about his 'hood credentials' while hogging all the ribs and collard greens. The host calls him out, 'Yo, pay up or get out. Ain't no freebies here.' He laughs it off, 'Man, I run this block!' But the host's burly brother, who's been grilling the whole time, snarls, 'Wrong, fool. Time to settle the score.' He pins him against the picnic table, wraps a chain leash around his neck from the dog run, edges him with a vibrating basting brush slathered in hot sauce, and then plows his ass deep and hard, grunting, 'Now you're the main course, spicier than the jerk chicken!'
Say "toast" three times. Spell "toast" three times. What do you put in a toaster? The answer?
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?
He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
Me: John, what did he do earlier?
John: Hold on, I’m trying to think.
Me: I thought I smelled poop.
Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?
Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.