Time jokes
People are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
A black n***a crashes a neighborhood barbecue, bragging about his 'hood credentials' while hogging all the ribs and collard greens. The host calls him out, 'Yo, pay up or get out. Ain't no freebies here.' He laughs it off, 'Man, I run this block!' But the host's burly brother, who's been grilling the whole time, snarls, 'Wrong, fool. Time to settle the score.' He pins him against the picnic table, wraps a chain leash around his neck from the dog run, edges him with a vibrating basting brush slathered in hot sauce, and then plows his ass deep and hard, grunting, 'Now you're the main course, spicier than the jerk chicken!'
Say "toast" three times. Spell "toast" three times. What do you put in a toaster? The answer?
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?
He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.
Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?
Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
What do emo kids like to do in their spare time?
Hanging out.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
Say what you want about Hitler, at least he got the trains to run on time.
Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.
Why don’t Chinese people model? Because it would look like the same model every time.
There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.
The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"
The teacher said, "What about the kids?"
The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."
The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.