Time jokes

Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.

Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.

Time to play guitar!

*absolutely shreds*

What is the best time!? 6:22 a.m.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Best way to kiss someone is to lick inside their mouth with your tongue a lot of times, and they will really like it, especially me!! - lizard kiss+ french kiss= SloBbY Kiss.

Thanks for learning and getting advice.

Also, don't be such a horny one!

Why do women like Pac-Man so much?

How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.

But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.

Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

Why do orphans play GTA so much?

Because they can be wanted for once.

Your hair goes so far back in time, even cavemen saw it!

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

Yo mama so old, she was in third grade with Moses.

Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.