Time jokes

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.

Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.

Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

What do you call a clever clock?

Clockwise.

If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

What do Time Clocks like to play?

Tick Tack Toe.

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Dad joke time:

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

Your hairline goes so far back it went back to when Earth was created.