Time Jokes

Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!

What do you call a clever clock?

Clockwise.

If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?

The image shows two photos of a man with an afro, presumably the same person. The top image shows him smiling, looking happy and proud. The caption reads: "Watching my favorite underrated youtuber finally grow and progress." The bottom image shows the same man looking shocked and with a dark background. The caption for the bottom image reads: "He becomes more annoying and cringe over time."

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

Dad joke time:

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

Your hairline goes so far back it went back to when Earth was created.

What does the Gay Garlic do when it gets hot? It takes it's CLOVES off. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Like if you LOL every time 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?

It's pasture your bedtime.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."