Time jokes

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"

Why is April the smartest month?

It can never be fooled.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

Why was the asian late to class?

His 1 minute rice took 2 minutes to cook.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

PERSON: I need to go so bad!

TOILET: Long time no pee!!!

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.