Time jokes
I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.
You're so fat, Thanos had to snap three times to destroy you.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.
Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Flour.
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
What is the difference between a human and a tree?
A human can walk and a house can walk to a tree, walk home, walk, walk, and walk, walk.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
Random guy: Come on, Bin Laden, time is ticking. Get it, ticking. OK, I'll leave.
Why was the rapper always on time?
Because they had mad flow!
My parents gave me a blowjob. It was a blowtastic time!
Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.
He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
Yo mama so old, she pre-ordered the Bible.
Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?
Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite song?
Deja Vu.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.