Time jokes
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
Why do your orphans not drink beer?
Because last time they did, he went to suck some dudes' toes, then he tried to take him to his parents, but I guess that never happened.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
The spotify time bar thing is a light saber when listening to star wars soundtracks
Eons it takes to Daveon the haters.
Why is 2020 the worst year? Because COVID-19!
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
One time I tried running to home, but I forgot I don't have one, so I stayed at third.
Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."
When I got to you and I was android and we were all in Minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem UI with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android.
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.
minutes (DYM 124)
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Why are Muslims terrible at football?
Because every time they have a corner, they build a shop.
"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."
-Al Nassr owner
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!
What does the dumb kid say to the blind kid?
"Long time no see!"