Time jokes
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”
That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.
Shame on you Penaldo!
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
🎵There's a star-man waiting in the sky🎵
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.
Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.
"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.
What do you call a clever clock?
Clockwise.
What do Time Clocks like to play?
Tick Tack Toe.
Dad joke time:
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
Because it was Luke warm.
What's the best time to hang out with an Indian? When your nose is clogged.
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture your bedtime.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."