Time Jokes

The only time rape jokes are okay; is when they aren't forced.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

An old lady walks into an adoption center, and the lady that runs the business says, "Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!"

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."

ME!! EVERY DAY!!

The meme shows text describing the action of looking at the phone to see the time, then putting the phone away, followed by the question "So what time is it?" The next line says "My brain:" and below is an image of Shrek with the caption "Good question".

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

They are making a movie about clocks.

It’s about time.

If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.