Time jokes

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!

How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

Why do orphans commit crimes?

So they can be wanted for once.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

The only time rape jokes are okay; is when they aren't forced.

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

An old lady walks into an adoption center, and the lady that runs the business says, "Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!"

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.

I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."