Time jokes

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

An old lady walks into an adoption center, and the lady that runs the business says, "Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!"

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

They are making a movie about clocks.

It’s about time.

If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."

Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.