Time jokes

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

Why did the girls sit on the clock?

To be on time.

Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.

"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

Your hairline goes so far back it remembers the big band.

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.

Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣

Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.

It’s all about execution.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.