Time jokes
I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.
Why did the girls sit on the clock?
To be on time.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
Why are Indians so good at football?
Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.
Your hairline goes so far back it remembers the big band.
What do you call an orphan's family reunion?
Me time.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
The Good Old Days.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣