Time jokes
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What time is it when you have a toothache?
2:30 (Tooth hurty).
I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!
Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL!
I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
Mom says: "I will go kill myself."
Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*
Some time later me fighting with my mom:
Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"
Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"
Lesson?
So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?
Procrastination
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
Hi 👋 I love 💗 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night. I did not have time today. I was just a little bit and I had to walk home from home after dinner. I
I was watching the news and heard a segment about a blind hooker who got stabbed 40 times.
At least she didn't see it coming.
In the heart of a circular, creamy delight, there exists a void, a singular absence that adds to its charm. This hollow space, a perfect round, is a testament to the artistry of nature and man's culinary skills.
The hole, a silent observer, bears witness to the transformation of the substance around it, from a liquid state to a firm, yet supple form. It's a silent testament to the passage of time, a symbol of patience and the magic of fermentation.
The void, despite its emptiness, contributes to the overall aesthetic, making the slice a visual treat. It's a playful peek-a-boo with the world beyond, a window that adds mystery and intrigue.
In the end, the hole is not just a void, but a character in the story of this culinary masterpiece, a silent protagonist that adds depth and character to the narrative. It's a testament to the beauty of imperfection, a celebration of the unique and the unconventional.
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
Do I do the same for dinner tomorrow morning for you?
Guys to wind the clock up?
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.
My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.
What do you call a person with only one arm?
Half-assed.
This one time I said that John Cena looks like crap.
But I realized I can't see him. LOL!
Why don't Indians play soccer?
Because every time they take a corner, they open up a shop.