When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"
A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.
What do you call an orphan's family reunion?
Me time.
Your hairline goes so far back it remembers the big band.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
Why do orphans commit crimes?
So they can be wanted for once.
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
Why does Michael Jackson have such a hard time playing chess?
He can't choose between black or white.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
