Time jokes
Guys to wind the clock up?
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
Me and your hairline go way back, years and years.
Why can't orphans go on vacation?
The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!
Yo mama so fat, she curves space and time.
The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?
One gets picked.
I am having a shit and there[sic] nothing else to read.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
What did Saturday say on the day before Friday?
I’m thursty (Thursday).
Why do people have a lot of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time?
The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.
One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.
Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.
Q: What's the difference between a grandma fetish and necrophilia?
A: A few weeks.
What did the skeleton say to his dog at dinner time? Bone appétit!
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.