Time jokes
Enough of the jokes. It's time Togo back home. (hah, I wanna cry.)
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
How do you know when a football player has been to jail?
When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.
Yo mama's so fat that every time she goes on an elevator, it goes down.
Is it just me, or can I see the Roman Empire from how far back your hairline goes?
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?
Because it was all about the TIMING.
1 hour challengeeee.
How many times did Rob O'Neill shoot Bin Laden? 911 times.
Hey, I met you like way way back, just like your hairline.
Time really freezes when you're stuck on a sinking ship.
But when?
"You think THAT'S bad?!? Remember the time I was in Paris with Donny de Francovich?"
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
Once upon a time, the end was what? When? How? End meow.
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."
So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
What time is it when you say no to everything? Time to get bored.