Time jokes
I found the best GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-get-the-time-machine.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?
I really hit the mother lode with you!
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
How do Americans learn the metric system?
9mm at a time. The problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
When does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary.
When people ask my age, this is what I do.
“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.