Time jokes

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

He only took a day off.

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

What goes up but never comes down?

What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?

I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Your mamma so fat Thanos had to clap 4 times.

Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.

What does the dumb kid say to the blind kid?

"Long time no see!"

Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.

Your forehead is so leaned back you can see the dinosaurs.

Yo mama so fat, her belly enters the room 10 minutes before she does.

What do you call an Emo in the hanging gallows?

Happy for the first time.

When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.

What's the only time women are doing real work? When they are giving blow jobs.