They jokes
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?
None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
The Twin Towers should've known they were gonna get hit when their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"
Who are the fastest readers? The people who were in 9/11. They went through 91 stories in 1.2 seconds.
Q: Two skeletons walk into a bar. What happens?
A: They fall.
(They walked into a BAR, as in a rod or whatnot.)
Why do people never kick their own balls?
Because they might lose one!
You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.
The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
They told me I'd never be good at poetry.
But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!
The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.
Why do orphans live in an orphanage?
Answer: Because they are wanted there.
Why do orphans not tell when they get hit?
Because who are they gonna tell, their mom?
Who is Joe?
You reply back: Who is Candice?
They reply back: Who is Candice?
You say: "Candice nuts fit into Joe Mama's mouth."
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Why are Spider-Man and an orphan so similar?
They both have "No Way Home."
Why do Asians don’t wear contacts? Cause they can’t fitt.
This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"
What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?
They both have something hanging in their closet.