They jokes
What does a kite and a criminal have in common?
They both get high.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
I usually tell jokes about Kobe, but they usually crash and burn.
What's the best thing about 9/11 jokes...
They make you collapse with laughter because the Twin Towers collapsed.
I don't get progressive leftists these days. They claim to be supporting BLM, but they aren't pro-life.
Why can't blind people have a seafood diet?
They have to see food to eat.
I hit on the Twin Towers. They were hot.
Why can't orphans play poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is.
You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.
What did they do with his body when he died?
They made him into Lego so kids can play with him for once.
Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?
So gay people can play Star Wars.
I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed." The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong." The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
What do depressed people use for emotions online?
They use EMOjis.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
My disabled dad went to the grocery store.
He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.
Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.
Why are most politicians in the closet or gay?
Because all they can do is mandate.
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"