What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog?
Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.
Them Jokes
Yesterday I had a party in my basement.
I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.
I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"
God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:
God: No, I don’t want to.
Which of these is the smartest; also, list them too: Is it autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?
Yo mama so disgusting, she hangs toilet paper to dry after she wiped with them.
What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?
There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.
Q: How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
A: You give them a Sandy Hook.
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
If a sped is late for class, is it wrong to call them tardy?
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why do we name hurricanes?
To keep an eye on them.
Is it bad to hit an orphan?
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Well... I mean, they could go to church and try to gather that someone hit them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends how hard you throw them.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.
Why are your eyes blue? Cuz they have food coloring in them.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over them.
Why was the rapper always on time?
Because they had a PHAT BEAT to keep them in check!
