Them jokes
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo, so I gave them a halo.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
What is the difference between women and cars?
At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.
I bet when 2 cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one says, "You're such a cheetah!" Then they laugh and go and eat a zebra or whatever.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
What is the difference between a bag of chips and a gun?
If you pull one of them suddenly, everybody wants to be your friend.
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
What does the school shooter do after he shoots a victim? He shoots more kids in them!
Jesse: Do you like my ball?
Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?
Jesse: No, they do not leave me.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.
I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"
She said, "He was a little tardy."
I replied to her, "I thought they all were."
Michael J. Fox isn't allowed around small children. When he touches them, he is immediately accused of shaken baby syndrome.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
What's the difference between a rubber and Michael Jackson? Nothing, kids touch them both.
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.
My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.
So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.
I have a friend of mine from school. I always see them with bangs, so I never knew what their forehead looked like until one day they came... Their forehead was bigger than Mount Everest, that you can make an entire Olympics mountain climbing audition on that forehead! :)