Theft jokes

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?

"Drop it, Jamal!"

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

What is the best feeling for an orphan when he plays Grand Theft Auto?

When he is wanted!

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

What's up guys! Quandale Dingle here (RUUEHEHEHEHEHEEHE). I have been arrested for multiple crimes (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) including: Battery on a police officer (WHAT), Grand theft, Declaring war on Italy, and public indecency (RUHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE x2 speed).

I will be escaping prison on, MARCH 28TH! After that I will take over the worl[d].

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

Why was the emo person dead inside?

Because I stole their insides.

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.