That jokes

Magic

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

Grade

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

Mamma

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Dog

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Condom

You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.

Memes

Swallow

A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.

"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"

Bird

What do you call a bird with no wings?

Moas didn't even know that existed!

Blonde

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

Game

Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?

My Friend: What’s that?

Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

Woman

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

Mom

When you tell your mom that she is bad at jokes, then she tells you, "Well, I made you!"

Time

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Wood

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."

Antidepressant

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

Halloween

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

School

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

Brick

Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.