When you tell your mom that she is bad at jokes, then she tells you, "Well, I made you!"
That Jokes
One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."
I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I donβt have a costume so please donβt reprimand...
When I open up the door, Iβve got my penis in my hand.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.
Why does nobody know that an Octane is a Fennec in disguise?
They have the same hitbox.
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.
What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
Using Pi, distract that fat kid next to you and copy his answers.
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.
Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.
I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"
And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
Why do orphans like going to church?
Because they actually get to say "father" for once.
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
