That jokes
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
Yo mama so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone.
One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
I'd make an emo joke, but that would be cutting a little too close.
What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?
A baked potato.
Your hairline is so far back, even the slaves can't plant that shit back.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you are so ugly that no one likes you.
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
For dinner, this girl had noodles. The next day, she could not find her skinny sister. The mom said, "Your sister is dead!" sadly. The girl asked, "She was skinny, right?" The mom said yes. The sister laughed, "I ate her! That’s why the noodles were very skinny!"
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
Your hairline goes so far back that cars on a highway don't know which way to turn.
What passengers were happy that the Titanic sank?
The lobsters in the kitchen.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.
Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.