That jokes

God loved you so much that He gave you one face and started clearing off a place for another.

Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?

Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent, and that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!

What's the name of a crazy crap that wins everything? Winnie da Pooh.

Your forehead is so big that you can see the whole world before you do!

My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.

I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

What do you call a stupid pig? A pious.

That one teacher that flips on and off the light switch to get the students' attention... that one kid with epilepsy...

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Baby!"

"Baby who?"

"Do you want to eat this baby that I have prepared?"

"No thanks, I already ate."

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?

A white elephant.

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well, your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you don't even know how to do that.

And your IQ is 5.

I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.

Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?

Kids: Because you're a psycho path.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

What do you tell twins that are in love with each other?

Go fuck yourselves!

In 69, the 6 looks like someone facing up. The 9 looks like someone facing down.

69 looks like 2 people suck each other’s dick. That means, L7.