Tell jokes
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."
Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?
Are you 7/11 or 9/11?
Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?
Reports say there's a small medium at large!
A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.
I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."
Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?
Because they are full of ears!
Now that was a corny joke.
And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
I would tell a scoliosis joke.
But that would be completely out of line.
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.
Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.
My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
I gave a blind kid a gun, telling him it was a hair drier.