Tell jokes
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
I would tell you a joke about pizza,
but it's too cheesy.
How do you tell the difference between a Communist and everybody else? The way they are spelled.
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
What do you call a booty that tells jokes?
A crack-up!
A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)
You know I would tell you a 9/11 joke, but it just doesn’t hit the spot.
Man: Okay, tell me a joke without the expense of anyone's feelings.
Me: Okay, so an Asian...
If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"
Tell someone to spell "Icup."
Answer: It will say, "I see you pee!"
Why is it so easy to roast an orphan?
What are they gonna do, run home and tell their parents?
Is your mom a virgin?
Mine is.
How am I alive?
You tell me.
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom raises his mug and says, "Okay, get rid of my tea."
Genie: Poof!
Tom: It didn't work.
I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.
Why are orphans bad at dad jokes?
Because they don't have a dad to tell them.
How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.
How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.