My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What’s one thing orphans don’t have on their computer? A home page.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
What's the difference between a gay guy and a microwave?
The microwave doesn't brown the meat.
What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
The orphanage was open in apps, but I didn’t see the home button.
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They are big, heavy metal fans!
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite toy?
Hot Wheels.
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
This is so sad, Alexa, play Despacito.
Yo mama so stupid that, when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite food? Microchips.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
