Surprise jokes

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Last words of the mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that noise?”

My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

My girlfriend's a porn star.

She'd kill me if she found out.

Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy, but in the end, Jack got a face full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

Mom: Kid, bring your toys and clothing to the car. We're going to Disney Land.

Kid: Ok.

*Bring kid to the orphanage*.

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"