i was digging in my back yard and i found gold and i went to run a tell my mom but i realized why i was digging in the back yard
Puns: I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th. They're going to have an explosive party, that will definitely blow you away. It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast too!
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee. SO his mom said he can have one. He got an esspresso not knowing depresso came with it.
Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church. A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke but the third nun, her arm was too short.
I dont like the term "kidnapping". I prefer "surprise adoption"
my sister reminds me of 911 one moan of OMG got everyone's attention.
Kids are like a box of chocolates they taste so good and u never know what u are going to get
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here". The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it sum ting Wong
so i got my sister shampoo for her birthday and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor
Q: why did Sally drop her ice cream? A: she go hit by a bus.
[1]: Knock knock
[2]: Who's there?
[1]: Interrupting Cow
[2]: Interrupting Co- ( [1]: MOO!
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal
What's worse than finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm
One day, a little girl was texting her friend. " Guess what Angelica!" said the little girl
"What?" Angelica replied
"I'm a guy."
What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted? Still being in the orphanage at 13.
i got a toaster for my birthday and said "yay new bath bomb"
