Last word of mayor of Hiroshima: ‘what the fuck was that noise?’
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out" I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
so i took a poop out side when i was done i wiped and got it on my finger after that i had nutella and i thought the poop on my hand was nutella and i licked it i said daddy chill what in the heck is this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me- *crying in the shower* Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*
I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... i forgot i was in the cemetery
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
when your sitting in class and the quiet kid yells lovely day isnt it ... and u see a Glock shape in his pocket
There was a women from ealing, she had a peculiar feeling, she laid on her backk, opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas? I dont know, she's still trying to open it...
My mom got a clown for my birthday but it ended up being my sister🤡
I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution but, when I got there they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you Penaldo!
i was playing laser tag with my ex, but i (wink) didn't realize i had a real gun
Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot. Everyone else in the office:😱
A: Why are you so sad? B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movi
its not surprising there inst a whole lot of good tree jokes. most foresters have a wooden personality
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" For 5 different men.
What the heck did i discover
A husband came back from business trip and found out that she was pregnant at first he got a bit suspicious but then he just ignore And hugs his wife with happiness the second when he meet his friend and tell him the news the friend just said " wait what I thought she was on pill"
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend so I fuck her, turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about. And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her but this time it was her Identical triplet. There 3 of them.... AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
One day 2 Chinese with broken English go to America. When they arrive they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu they see "hot dog" but since there English is bad, they think its literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back there both surprised and one of them ask "What part of the dog did you get."
