Surprise jokes
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."
Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."
Classroom: *visible panic*
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Knock knock. Who's there? A boy. A boy who? A boy who can't reach the doorbell knocking at your door.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
Chuck Norris can make an omelet from Kinder surprise.
This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something. SOMEONE will laugh. Say: "This word isn't gonna be funny until I tell you, your probably not going to laugh." *your friend* "what's the word?" *you* "finger" *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not everyone laughs, so don't feel bad if they don't. Also, don't be surprised if you get put in jail for murder, because you're going to kill someone with this.
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.
Because Jill's real name was Randy.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.