A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!
I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But thatâs just me in a nutshell.
Whatâs similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her? Theyâre both thinking oh shit my mums gonna kill me!
Family feud after finding out about Alabama.
How do you surprise a blind guy?
Say, "Surprise!"
Ur adopted.
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."
When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."
Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"
Son:...... um
ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.
Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Minecraft YouTube, but I can sing Believer!
YouTube, but I'm making a first video in YouTube.
And I record all the Minecraft videos and upload.
Ooohh! To try it and upload. Ooohh!
I've been recorded to streaming, couple more sleeps to do the dreaming.
I finally get to the stronghold, and if you told me, you told me, you told me, you told me.
Place some more ender eyes, and it's time to big surprise.
It's time to kill the ender dragon, go into the...
END!
Take that crystal, take that crystal, Believer, Believer!
Knock him down, knock him down, Believer, Believer!
Axe it's head, axe it's head.
Axe it's head, defeat him.
SUBSCRIBE!!!
The reason why God and Jesus have eternal life and the power, aka (holy spirit) is to control us, take our free will, and our eternal life, which is our heaven. Our time!
Just to show up, in the nick of time for the second coming in full costume ready to judge us. Them spending a lifetime preparing their big speech, their excuse of them hiding this whole time.
Lol, Surprise!
Joke being on them.
As we all stand there and are there to judge them, doing what they said they were made for.
Taking our eternal life back from Satan and the Devil and sending them to their home they created themselves!
HELL!
P.S. With a little extra punishments!
An old man gets a call from the IRS.
The man on the phone says, âWeâve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and weâll have a chat about this.â The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, âSo weâve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?â The man replies, âWell, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.â The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, âWait. Iâll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.â The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isnât blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, âAlright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.â The agent thinks real hard but decides itâs impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agentâs desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, âHaha! I got you now!â But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, âHe bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and youâd just love it!â
A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...
...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.
"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."
The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'
They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'
Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...
Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."
She replied, emphatically, "No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"
Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"
One day, a man was walking in an alley when a crackhead attacks him. So the man shoots him in the head and runs inside his home. When he goes to his wife, she asks him if he saw her dad.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
