Speech jokes
I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.
Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
[Link to YouTube video]
Social media after banning Trump from every platform: “Haha he’s so embarrassed that he doesn’t speak anymore...what an idiot!”
What did the Indian say to the cow?
I lowe you, moo than anything.
Stop making moo jokes, they're so annoying!
What do you call a swearing piece of shit?
Cus-turd.
Knock knock!!
Who's there??
Dishwasher!!
Dishwasher who??
Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!
"Stop it," said he.
Obama: It smells like UpNigga in here...
Trump: What's UpNigga?
Obama: Omg did you say the n word?? Die!!!
You failed Helen Keller's speech class? It's okay, she's not a very good speaker.
What was I saying again?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"Aye, matey."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
What do you say to a pig with no nose? You have n'ought a snout!
I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
What comment did the United States Senator Kamla Harris make when one of her 64% blue dog democrat constituents called her incompetent?
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits!"
What did the man say about someone who had a seizure?
"Jit was lagging."