Speech jokes
When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'
I can't think of any jokes.
What do you call a smart booty?
A wise-crack!
What did the guy with no teeth say to a blind guy... How many fingers am I holding up?
Meant to say my friend's nan, not man.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?
An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.
A single sentence walks into a bar.
What do you say to a pig with no nose? You have n'ought a snout!
When in Poland people go to a house party, and the atmosphere is bad, nobody is talking, they say: "Is there a German here?"
What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?
Others: R.
Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.
What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?
One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.
What do you call a rapper who can’t rhyme?
A speech impediment.
Knock knock!!
Who's there??
Dishwasher!!
Dishwasher who??
Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!
Last year, I got kicked out of the Hospital for telling COVID patients to stay positive!
I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.
When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The bartender asks him why.
And the pirate says:
"Argh, It's driving me nuts."
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."
My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.