Speech jokes
Eschew obfuscation.
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.
Why did the rapper bring a dictionary to the party?
To leave everyone SPEECHLESS!
They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.
Are you choked?
When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"
Whoever put an "s" in the word "lisp" was a jackass!
"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."
Once I told an abortion joke and this woman was like, "I've had an abortion, that's offensive." And I was like, "I just tell jokes, I think what you do is much worse."
"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"
Sugar Honey Ice Tea.
I FORGOT MY JOKE!
The general proofreading Hitler's speeches was the original Grammar Nazi.
God creates dog.
God: "You are man's best friend."
Dog: "That's pretty sexist."
God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"
Dog: "....."
God: "And chocolate kills you!"
Dog: "🐶"
Do you want to hear a joke?
Never mind, it’s too punny.
Q: What do gay horses say?
A: "Geigh!"
Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).
I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.
Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
[Link to YouTube video]