Speech jokes
What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?
One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.
Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.
Me: And I don't speak idiot language.
What did the man say about someone who had a seizure?
"Jit was lagging."
Last year, I got kicked out of the Hospital for telling COVID patients to stay positive!
What do you call a dwarf with borderline autism? Jimothy.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
*Aye, Matey!*
When in Poland people go to a house party, and the atmosphere is bad, nobody is talking, they say: "Is there a German here?"
You want to hear a joke? You......
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."
I got no joke.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."
What's the difference between George Floyd and Joe Biden?
They both talk like they're on fent.
What's a deaf kid's favorite words?
"Shut up."
Two muffins are sitting in a bar.
The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."
The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.
What do you call a fat motivational speaker?
Four chin teller.
Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?