Speaking Jokes

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Don't be racist! BE LIKE MARIO!

He's an Italian plumber Created by the Japanese Who speaks English And looks like a Mexican Jumps like a black man And grabs coins like a Jew

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?

An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.

I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.

Y'now that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.

It isn't really rape if you speak different languages. I mean, how is the man supposed to know what she is saying? Those could be tears of joy and screams of pleasure

Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

public speaking is a more popular fear then snakes and you don't see anyone walking in australia and shout look out a podium

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B"?

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We’d like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Hello this is your captain speaking, we are flying at a level of 89 feet, if you look out of your window on the left, you will see the world trade centre

As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast, it has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.