Someone's jokes

Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):

"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"

Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

A blind woman told her husband someone is coming. He asks how do you know, you can't see. She replies, "I can taste it."

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

A computer is a HARDware device. How come someone still feels it is MicroSOFT?

What did Hermione say when she pantsed someone?

"Wow, Harry!"

Why can't an orphan be in a Scream movie?

It's always someone you know.

Someone went to fly and thought of pizza.

What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?

Hot Wheels...

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and see what they do.

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

I asked someone why they were crying. They told me that they had to abort their twins.

Then someone yelled "DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE!"

Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.

And that's what made him go down in history.

Why do orphans like getting kidnapped? Because someone actually wants them. 🤣

Why does an orphan want to be a prostitute?

Because they want to call someone "daddy."

Why do orphans like to be gay?

So they can call someone "daddy."

Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, "Why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed?" He wouldn't reply.

His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day, took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night, Thomas kept on thinking to himself, "I never said cheese before someone snapped my picture." He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend, "Fillet in him feel better."

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?

Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.