Smoking jokes

Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of boy scouts? He was up to a pack a day!

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"

There's no smoke or fire without a Muslim.

I just thought of the best invention ever: a vape dildo.

My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...

"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

What do emo kids like to smoke?

"Marjuanakillmyself."

Why should you keep English gay activists away from neo-nazis?

British cigarettes get smoked easily.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?

A baked potato.

I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.