Short jokes

I'm stumped.

When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?

A white elephant.

My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

If you read this, you lost your v card.

What's long, hard, and slimy?

A bar of soap.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO YOU?

I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

And the winner of the Tour de France is awarded, as ever, with the yellow jersey.

To remind him what color his piss is meant to be.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Why are gay people bad at hide and seek?

Because they're always coming out of the closet.

6 looks like someone facing up.

9 looks like someone facing down.

69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.

And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.

You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."

James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

I'm so confused. Who is Gwen? The only Gwen I can think of is the one from Spiderman. 😂

What do old people have when they are sick.

A going away party.