Short jokes
What did God say when he made the first woman?
"Where is your dick at?"
Are you a keyboard, because I wanna tap you all night long.
Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?
Because every little bit helps!
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Why can't orphans have cookies?
They are home made.
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
What is the difference between white people and coal?
It’s bad for the environment to burn coal.
What do you call a Mexican with one leg?
Border hopper.
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.