Short jokes
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Why can't orphans have cookies?
They are home made.
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
What is the difference between white people and coal?
It’s bad for the environment to burn coal.
What do you call a Mexican with one leg?
Border hopper.
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.
Being the first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.
What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality.
What song do supportive parents of a closeted child love?
“The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow.”
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.