Short jokes
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
What’s a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
What do you call a blowjob from a girl who has autism?
Special head.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 67 stories in 0.67 milliseconds.
What do you call a tent for lesbians?
Finger Hut.
Have you heard of the book about the transgender whale?
It’s called "Maybe Dick."
Your hairline is farther back than the Mexican border.
What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?
They are both twisted.
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
what did Bruce Willis say after he had a vasectomy? "snip-y ki yay motherfucker"
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.
That joke didn't land well, did it?
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
What's the toughest stain to wash off a little boy's underpants?
Michael Jackson's lipstick.