Short jokes
What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"
What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?
My clothes don't hang themselves.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
"I'm a little piss baby!" -Dream
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
You're cheap; no one even pays attention.
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"
Friend: "I don't know."
Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.
I like turtles.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.