Short jokes
What starts with "E" and ends with "G"?
Everything.
You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.
"Hotel Rwanda" has a high score on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews are terrible.
Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?
Because it has a tender behind.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
What goes up and down but stays in the same place?
Stairs.
Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?
Person B: Tentacles?
Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*
Why do bugs hate the internet?
Because they always get caught.
Get it? Inter-net?
I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.
(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...
The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.
How do mountains see? They peek.
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
What do you call a warrior that's going to bed?
A knight knight.
What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, Bud!
What are fish not allowed to have?
Seaweed.
Do you want to buy my Hoover?
I mean... it's just collecting dust.
The crocodile just kept saying, "No!" He was in Da Nile!
When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”