Short jokes
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
A man walks into a bar.
Then he walks into a Pole.
Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?
They’re enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.
What’s the difference between white people and Black people?
One runs from the police, one runs for the police.
Congrats to George Floyd on 2 years sobriety.
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.
How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?
It's legal to get stoned.
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.